Sunday night....

Maple Leaf and Seeds, 10/22/2011

It's the end of a creative weekend, I took several long studious walks around the acre with my good dog, Max...the dog sniffing the ground for interesting smells, and I looking at the ground for interesting objects to photograph...filling my digital sketchbook with more pictures...

Maple Leaf Layers, 10/22/2011

Maple Leaf, 10/22/2011

The Remains of Summer's Lilies, 10/22/2011

Viola Leaf on Stone, 10/22/2011

Wild Cucumber and Burrs, 10/22/2011

Willow Leaf, 10/22/2011

Mushroom Group (under the lilac bush), 10/22/2011

It felt good to be so productive image-wise...although I've been a bit woozy at times, fatigue mostly, but some of the woozy feeling is from euphoria because I finished my first painting since my mother's passing...it's good...it's what I wanted to do with that blue-black square that I had staring at me for a week...

The Blue Square Window 10/23/2011

http://ohdrat.blogspot.com/

Quiet...

Milkweed Leaf, 10/14/2011

I'm trying out a new background design...I think I like it...for now.

Old brick, with accidental paint. Summer 2011

(Oops!) I spilled some turquoise paint on an old brick during the summer when the wind knocked my little paint cup off the table on the porch...look how pretty it is now! If you look close at the milkweed leaf photo, you'll also see some flecks of turquoise on that too! They were all in the same general area of my studio table on the porch. It already feels forever ago...


It's been a quiet weekend (and a long one, as we took Thursday and Friday off)...for this I'm grateful. I needed the down time to reboot my brain, get some rest...I even made time to tip on the couch and watch a movie (Out of Africa, again.) Although the weather has been threatening there have been some moments of pristine October blue in the midst of the gray, sunshine to sit in, I made time to watch the world go by...

Leaves on the path, 10/14/2011

My little dog buddy Max has had a bad middle ear infection, but is on the mend, poor little fella, never complains...he's the best of good boys about taking his pills. His birthday is October 20th, he will be 12 years old.

My father has gotten better in some respects, but worse in others, dementia seems to have gotten the better of him (this is how his father went, and my mother warned us this is how it is going to be.) He has reached a plateau in his recovery, and it's very sad to see him slipping away from us a little at a time. He time travels mostly now, and his busy mind invents many scenarios, one happens to be a girlfriend...oy vey, right? Somehow I believe that his being smitten with a lady so soon after my mother's death is not a bad thing, it is filling a hole that he's feeling inside...and there is nothing finer than the euphoria of being in love to make you feel good when you're feeling so sad...I'm not going to deny him that bit of happiness even if it's only in his mind. He knows us, he is happy and safe...this matters most of all.

In all of this, I've managed to find quiet. It hasn't been easy. As you can see, I've taken lots of pictures...

White Feather, 10/14/2011 Just a lone feather on the leaves...

October Rose, 10/12/2011

I've moved along to visit other chapters in Drinking from the Fishbowl, and added some new work to Layers of Illusion, so I'm slowly getting back into the rhythm of writing... a new canvas that I've started is waiting for the next layers of paint, I'm pretty excited about it, yet apprehensive, it's one of those moments of uncertainty, I'll be all right once I'm "there"...some smaller works on paper have taken shape...fooling around with colors, staining papers and making marks...

I couldn't resist turning the milkweed leaf photo into a duotone, the texture is so beautiful!

October...

Sumac Leaves, 9/29/2011

Bones of the Earth, 9/29/2011

The Horse Barn, 9/25/2011

Looking for a four leaf clover, 9/25/2011

Sumac leaves, 9/29/2011

 The compost heap had some pretty leaves in it and I ran inside to grab my cameras to take pictures...suddenly I had almost 200 photos...just a handful are good...some okay, some not so good...good thing there's no film involved, right? I think I took more time fussing and focusing when I had a roll of 24 loaded...and would get a little careless with a roll of 36...whatever, right? The little point and shoot cameras are giving me a creative outlet that I need for the moment...blurry pictures happen, it's part of the process.

(I really should wear my reading glasses while taking pictures, that way I can see the screen better!)

I've been reading a lot (books written by other people, not mine) and I've once again fallen in love with E. M. Forster...A Passage to India is such a beautiful book, I can't believe I hadn't read it sooner...but I suppose, the time was right for it.

I traveled to visit my father at the rehab center last Saturday, he's doing well...but has come to a "plateau" in his progress. Sometimes it is the little things that trip one up, recovering from surgery for a broken hip is one thing, he's doing well in that respect, but he is failing in the basics of self care, and this is of grave concern...so while hearing my sister telling me that he is not coming home, I felt shocked at first, but then after digesting it, I knew this is right. Our mother was doing all the care taking, giving the cues, poking and prodding, and doing every thing possible to make the situation appear "fine", when it wasn't. We, the children, have been in denial. Now we know. And now it's our decision.

Life progresses in strange paths that are unfamiliar and overwhelming...we're hanging in there.

This morning, my Fred and I installed our artwork at the Central Library at the Galleries on South Salina Street in beautiful downtown Syracuse, our wall looked fine...people were already looking. One fella wasn't sure if he'd pay $400 for a painting of splashes of color...but then after he spent time with them and looking (really looking) he piped up that he liked them well enough after all. The display is up through the month of October.

How about the Occupy Wall Street protests, huh? Awesome...I've been catching some of the various live feeds in NYC and along the way, I've come upon the We Are the 99 Percent...a blog full of very inspiring, sad and unfortunately true life stories...check it out...it will make you angry and it will make you cry.


http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

October is one of my favorite months, even its rainy days are lovely, we've had mist all day, and oddly enough, I didn't run out to take photos of any of it. But I know in time, things will adjust and I will get back into creativity as normal...but for now photos and drawings are how I am coping.

It is true, the deeper the sadness, the greater the beauty.

The Pretty Hill, Route 31 outside Port Byron, New York, 9/24/2011

An interesting sign along Route 31, Lock Berlin New York, 9/24/2011

I'm still here...

Me n' my shadow dog out for a walk on one of the few sunny days we've had lately...it is a bit disheartening to have the grayness already set in so soon...rain is tapping at my studio window tonight...Max is making his bored doggy noises, he'd like to go outside to sniff for stories and watch the world go by...

The best of good boys taking a snooze in the sun...

O little Woolly Bear, why do you have brown eyebrows this year? What are you trying to predict with that added accessory to your fuzzy wardrobe?

Old lace from last fall

Lingering leaves from last fall

 

Tiger Lilies

  I am just in love with black and white photos...and playing with duotones...

Blue and Gold

Finally, a sunflower bloomed!

A rainbow above the barn roof

I've collected lots of pictures, and have taken my sweet time processing them...falling behind. Not a heck of a lot going on, yet too much to want to talk about. My father is recovering from his broken hip, the surgery was a success and he's going to be going home in a couple of weeks, there's much to do to prepare for that event...I'm still catching myself having mini meltdowns in the middle of the day, it just suddenly hits me that my mother is gone and the unfairness makes me angry...it's all part of the process, I am being kind to myself by just going with it when it happens, no sense in fighting it...

Of course, FMS has been a factor, consistently in chronic pain...but I keep going in spite of it, at times a bit wobbly...and some days my skin hurts, I don't know if any other Fibromyalgia patients have that phenomenon...seriously, my skin freaks out over elastic waist bands on underwear, bras, tights, jeans...some days are purely hellish, and there's nothing finer than a hot bath and a glass of wine to soothe away the aches...and my bed...I love my bed.

I've been keeping busy, writing has been at a crawl, which is unfortunate, but I have made progress when I have settled down with a chapter, the editing of Drinking from the Fishbowl is coming along, so I shouldn't complain at all. Dusty Waters continues to sell and is being read, The Fractured Hues of White Light is hanging in there, behaving like the typical second book...

The latest version of normal is taking shape, I'm taking it one day at a time...

Just a slice of color...

The things I found today...

My treasures from today

Railroad tracks...

The dots on the bridge wall

I can't read chicken scratch either...

I love rust...

Kitty Crossing...

Kitty with muddy paws got to the other side...

 
My Fred and I treated ourselves with two whole days of staying at home...it seems we've been on the run going here and there and being tugged about for this and that...well, it felt good to relax and if we felt like doing something, we did it...so we took a ride out to Lakeland, parked, and went for a walk along the old railroad tracks to take pictures...now the two of us are collectors of various odds n' ends, we both love rusty old bits of metal...and I also like the shiny stuff, glass, pottery, and rocks...and lots of pictures...

On the way home I bought a new canvas, so painting isn't too far from my mind...and I've been back to work on Drinking from the Fishbowl this weekend, that chapter 42 has been troublesome, but I think I have a handle on it now, I've printed a hard copy and might do the old-fashioned cut n' paste editing with scissors and tape tomorrow, I do that because I'm a visual person, sometimes just reading it over and over, backwards and forwards doesn't work anymore...so I hack it up and tape it together once the pieces fit right and then I go back to the laptop and fix it...lots of fun for me, watching grass grow for anyone else, I suppose...

Although time marches on as it always does...I'm not quite feeling back to "normal" just yet, I really miss my mother...whenever I get the urge to talk to her, especially during that time of day when I would call her up (such as when I found that old Pertussin bottle today) I just talk to her...whatever works, right? The afterlife has always been a fascination for me, and I wonder if she's here and there, leaving signs, watching, waiting...or possibly, moved on...

My father seems to be coming along, healing, still grieving, but getting closer to going home with every passing day...heading toward his new version of normal.

When it rains, it pours...no shit.

Discarded No. 1, 8/9/2011

Discarded No. 2, 8/9/2011

Discarded No. 3, 8/9/2011

Discarded No. 4, 8/9/2011

First of all, thank you for your kind comments and emails to me, I really appreciate your wishes and sympathies...it does help in that quiet way, I did receive some sense of buoyancy.from your thoughts.  The month of August has been a very strange period in my life...the loss of my mother was the major, life changing event, and then three weeks later my poor father had an accident at home, breaking his right hip...not a good thing for an 84 year old man to deal with at this point in his life while still suffering from the heart ache of losing the love of his life...but perhaps the nasty irony is, he's now forced to think of himself in a different way. During the days following the funeral, he had been managing all right, being forward thinking, and learning that being alone at home with his new reality...my father is a very contemplative and curious fellow, and yet, has managed to maintain a sweet innocence about life that is very matter of fact. The good news is he made it through the surgery to fix the hip, the surgeon was please with how everything went together, but now the long unknown road to recovery commences. His long term chances are 50-50. His survival will rely on his spirit and the determination to return home...he's made it known that he hates lying around, and he wants to go home...baring complications, I believe he will go home. Now the hard part for me was leaving him to take care of me. Between the crappy FMS flareups and troublesome sciatic nerve pain because of that dang bulge in the L4/L5 disc in my back I'm quite the little pain-ball at the moment...most of it being my own fault for not being good to myself during this difficult time. Thankfully, being my father's daughter, it is my stubborn spirit and determination that will keep me going forward in spite of adversity...

Discarded No. 5, 8/9/2011

The photos are from my parent's yard in Lyons, NY...of all things, their compost heap. These are perhaps the last things that my mother clipped and tossed in there before she passed away... and as of yesterday, the lawn mower man came and has since added grass clippings on top of the discarded flowers from the funeral, of which I did not get to photograph before I left yesterday...

Loss...feeling lost...

My Mother's bed 8/2/2011

 My Mother passed away on August 3rd due to the inter-cranial bleeding from a stroke that put her into a coma on August 2nd, Janie was 80 years old. She got up that morning, made her bed, went about her daily routine until she complained to my father that she didn't feel well, and suddenly she fainted, and never woke up. Although it was very unexpected, I believe she knew her time was coming. She hadn't been ill at the time, she had been doing well since she had a TIA last January, a warning shot over her bow you could say, she had briefly lost her eyesight but gained it back quickly and resumed her life as a folk artist, painting was one of her joys in life. Her doctor was monitoring her and I believe she was due for an appointment in September...although some of us had noticed some forgetfulness and repeating herself during conversations, she seemed to be chugging along fine on her own steam, she was such a lively little lady no one suspected a thing...we knew if she didn't feel good she'd say so because she was a squeaky wheel when things weren't right in her world. My poor father has been left behind, and the rest of her family and friends in shock, who would've thought that she would up and die so suddenly, but yet, this would be the way she'd prefer it...to leave the world while still in motion, she would have made a terrible patient...

A is for Angels...this was in the Comfort Room where she spent her final hours...it was very appropriate as she loved angels.

We buried her on August 9th, and the sky opened up and poured rain almost all day long, it was pretty awful out, and I'm sure Janie would have been ticked off by the "shitty weather" on the day of her funeral.

The flowers from the funeral 8/9/2011

 We brought home the flowers and set them on the front stoop as we unloaded them from the cars, they looked so pretty there we left them as a tribute...

The garden

 This is the house that I grew up in, my father built it...of course with the help of several local craftsmen and laborers...it is a sweet little house, tho' at times I wonder how five of us lived in there without killing each other...I was outside most of the time, a roamer from dawn to dusk...I came home for meals and when the street lights came on...my mother had an iron school bell to call me home with when I was needed...I could hear it from a mile away...if not more. I've been told on more than one occasion this past week how much I resemble our Janie...I am, after all, Laura Jane...what a rebel name...yes, I am my mother's daughter, and there were times we didn't see eye-to-eye, there were times it seemed we couldn't exist in the same space because we were too alike and sometimes that isn't a good thing, but as we've aged we've gotten on better, and I loved calling her up and letting her talk because she was such a treat to listen to, a chip off the old block of her father, Gordon...I'm just the latest version of them both and Great Grandma too, but with a good blend of my father to balance things out just enough so the chip isn't so jagged that I'd miss the block too much...

Impatiens in an enamel coated metal colander, she planted these special this year and was very pleased about how well the flowers were doing in this arrangement...

I saw this the morning after she passed...a sweet little still life in the garden

 

The porch, with all of her things...

Although she's gone, she is everywhere we look in her house. Goodness knows, I will miss her every day for the rest of my life...I've had to "talk" to her a few times to ask her "What did you do with your wedding picture, Mom?" I found it tucked away in a photo album, the frame must've gotten broken...it took only patience to find it, and I found a second copy of it in a paper bag in the hall closet, full of photos from her mother's house after her father died...I am the finder of lost objects, except when it's my own things...(I do find them eventually in the last place I look, just like everybody else.) The photos that I found are treasures that will be comfort to us all...

My mother was a folk artist, she painted many beautiful things, usually on old wooden boxes, boards, bowls, benches, stools, chairs, and other odds n' ends that she'd find...and she won prizes at the New York State Fair. My sister and I will make certain that her entries are delivered this week as scheduled, she would've wanted us to do that...

Her final piece.

This is the last piece she worked on, it is the lid of a picnic basket, featuring historical buildings in our home town Lyons NY where she lived all of her life. All that was left to do is to finish the Wayne County Courthouse, and I've been asked to finish it for her...I couldn't work on it yet, but I will make a special trip home to take care of it...I need a little time to fill the hole left in my life, get back to something resembling "Normal"...and help my siblings settle our father into his new routine without his Janie, this isn't going to be easy, we're playing it by ear, hoping he can stay at home for as long as he wants to and for as long as he's able.