Upstate Girl: I don't know...

Welcome to my blog Upstate Girl, (a.k.a Follow Your Bliss Part II), I am an independently published author. This blog is all about writing and the stuff that inspires me to write, the joys and obstacles that come along with the writer's life, and my fascination with the psychology of people and what makes them tick...the human condition, as is...and my love for words, playing with them and making sense of them...and I throw in a few photos from my acre of the world just to make things pretty...sometimes there are things I have no words for, only pictures will do.

*Copyright notice* All photos, writing, and artwork are mine (© Laura J. Wellner), unless otherwise noted, please be a peach, if you'd like to use my work for a project or you just love it and must have it, message me and we'll work out the details...it's simple...JUST ASK, please.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I don't know...

It seems I say this a lot lately...I don't know...just coming up with a post this weekend has been clouded over with a fog of unknown, so I'm going to wing it here...it seems there's a good deal of people out there grappling with a similar unsettled feeling of unknown...the "Where am I going?" question.

How do you get there?

Keep going forward, aim for a goal, do what you gotta do to achieve it.

And...
Don't forget to have a good time. (Ani DiFranco's latest mantra, I'm sure the Little Folksinger won't mind if I share it with you.)

This little drawing on my table in the upstairs studio hadn't changed much...

...because I didn't know where else to go with it...then I added to it, and I feared I ruined it and should've left it alone...well, when that happens, I just take it in hand and really do something to it to mess it up some more...there are some things that will get worse before they get better...it's too sopping wet at the moment to take a picture...I'll post the result another day...

I've been struggling with a new manuscript, it's rawness is troubling me. I'm pulling things out of my head, but not fast enough to suit me...not quite writers block (thank goodness), but I'm feeling impatient with the process. Along with that, I'm impatient with the process of getting published. I'm still mailing queries to agents (although sporadically because I'm picky about who I write to, and research them to death before I actually send the letter.) Thankfully, I've stopped the agonizing depression part after receiving the rejection letters. Don't get me wrong, I still feel disappointed, but I'm less indignant about it, it' s just business, it's nothing personal. That doesn't mean the frustration factor isn't any better. I have one book that's ready to be self-published, but I'm hesitant to do it just because I'd rather go about the more traditional way of getting a book on the shelf with the backing of a publisher, rather than me with my pitiful resources. (I'll let you know when I'm ready to take the plunge.)

Writers tend to chase their emotional tails a lot...no wonder we like to tip a few...

I'm also feeling uncertain because of my health issues, Fibromyalgia is a pain in the ass (and everywhere else.) I try to maintain a sense of humor about it, but it's getting old fast...I'm tired of feeling 86 rather than 46. At least it won't kill me, right? My coping skills are maxed out.

There's a lot of uncertainty out there, nationally and personally...so I don't know is all about that too...

Some of this I don't know business has to do with things I'm missing, and was recently reminded about my love of horses by fellow blogger, Kate...several months ago, I found this picture of a mustang on the BLM website where people can go to adopt horses that have been rounded up from the public lands...I fell in love with this little fella's face and his fuzzy ears, I don't know what happened to him, I hope he found a good home (isn't that velvety soft muzzle kissable?)

Honestly, I'd rather see them free to roam.

This winter is getting on my nerves...March is coming...the light at the end of the tunnel. I was checking the pussy willow bush down by the garden, I saw the silvery tips of kitty toes sticking out, there's a fuzzy bit of hope...(she smiles at a furry little friend who just found a paper bag to be a play thing, the little clown.)

So, I don't know...did I do what I set out to do with this post? Maybe a little.

This pencil drawing's title is I Want More Out of Life... says it all...I really do love this drawing!

2 comments:

Pat said...: I think alot of people (friends, as well as relatives) feel that we are at a crossroads. That phrasing is not so accurate...they feel that They personally at at a crossroads. Maybe that is a good thing because we get to choose a better, freer path. I hope!
I do believe that things do get sorted out.
I hope all of that for you.; February 23, 2009 at 9:00 AM
Pat said...: Sorry about the "alot" but with two kittens on the computer, I can't type very well.
A lot!; February 23, 2009 at 9:01 AM

Review of "Happy Talk" by Richard Melo

Happy Talk: A Novel by Richard Melo
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Light-hearted is what immediately comes to mind when I think of my time spent reading Happy Talk and yes, there is a good deal of happy talk — an ongoing playful banter between multiple characters, gossip, discussion, innuendo, and a tall-tale or two and more — it was like reading one of those odd little dreams with complexities I wouldn’t think of during my waking hours. It is gently surrealistic — a meandering stream carving its way through a fantastical place, colorful language and bright colors — the white of the Nightingales uniforms and their linens on the wash line, purple nights and the yellow days — the heat of the tropical sun, the ocean, the reef, and the mountains — layers of plotlines, ethereal threads of romances and rumors; voudoun, zombies, madness, deceptions, morphine addiction, plane crashes, past lives, love, plans for foiling Communist plots, paranoia, and atomic bombs. I truly loved visiting with this book with its multiple beginnings and multiple endings — I first met it and got to know about the author, Richard Melo, through the Red Lemonade online community — having a copy of the paperback is especially lovely as I noted the magic of the story early on and looked forward to adding it to my ever growing library. It is always a treat to discover something new in the mines of contemporary literature, Red Lemonade published another gem. (YAY!)

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Review of "Dreaming in Cuban" by Critina Garcia

Dreaming in Cuban by Cristina Garcia
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Dreaming in Cuban — what a colorful book, it is saturated with color — sunlight — life — it is a dream. I started reading this during the week my mother passed away, read it during the wee hours I spent at her bedside during that long vigil in the Comfort Room — this beautiful book carried me through the toughest two weeks of my life and I was sad to come to its end, but I’m happy to know that I can read it again at any time, even if I pick it up and open to a random page and read it for a few minutes, this is a book that is easy to become immersed into and fall in love with all over again. As with many beloved books on my bookshelves, there are several dog-eared pages to revisit — the language is supple and written so lovingly — it has a sorrow that can break your heart and make it sing with joy at the same time. A classic beauty.

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Reveiw of Follow Me Down by Kio Stark

Follow Me Down by Kio Stark
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Kio Stark’s Follow Me Down, is one of those, “little-big” books that I love finding, and another one that I've read recently published by Red Lemonade. This book contains exquisite storytelling, beautiful writing, snapshots of images that are bits of a larger picture, very precise, an honest-to-goodness book—a human document that is unique. I love this book for what it is and I have dog-eared many favorite pages, underlining passages that resonate with Stark’s crisp vision, as if through a camera — she tells it like it is — the camera never lies. I’m so glad a book like this has found its way into the hands of readers — there is a purity of vision that has the elements of a classic, timelessness is part of the art of this book. It’s gorgeous.

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Review of Zazen by Vanessa Veselka

Zazen by Vanessa Veselka
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I love this book, and have found it difficult to put it down even now that I've finished it, I’ve dog-eared many pages and the cover already has that “loved” appearance. Zazen is a little-big book, a book of its time, yet it is made from the ancient bones of brave writing — the exquisite storytelling has that special, timeless magic to make this book a classic. Vanessa Veselka’s Della possesses a wry sense of humor that hits its mark with hilarious honesty that can make you laugh and break your heart at the same time in a way that I truly appreciate. Della’s matter-of-fact voice carried me on a journey through a landscape that was both unfamiliar and yet I knew it as home, and accepted it, bombs, Wal-Mart n’ all. At the same time that I feared for Della’s safety and sanity, I knew she was made of sterner stuff, and I knew that I, as the reader, was in good hands. This book will make the faint of heart reader squirm, and the bold reader will adore it for its unique qualities. I will not only recommend the book to anyone who I know will appreciate it, it’s a book that I will give to another reader as a present only because I feel they must read it. Kudos to Vanessa Veselka for writing this beautiful little-big book, and big thank you to Richard Nash & Red Lemonade for publishing such a precious gem!

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Book review at Good Reads

Journal of a Novel: The East of Eden Letters by John Steinbeck
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

"...I want to write this one as though it were my last book." (quoted from page 8, February 12.)

From January 29-November 1, 1951 John Steinbeck documented the writing of East of Eden in notebooks, entries addressed to "Pat" (Pascal Covici, his friend and editor at Viking Press.) I took my time reading these letters every night just before going to sleep. East of Eden is one of my all time favorite books and it was such a treat to read these passages documenting the time he spent writing it. This book is a historical document, a primary source, therefore, a casual reader might find it confusing and boring to read about John Steinbeck's one-sided conversation with his editor, which contains odd details about aches and pains, nervous observations about personal health and concerns about family, carpentry projects, quirky habits having to do with sharpened pencils and notebooks, and an annoying wrinkle in the blotting paper on his desk. But for me, as a writer, I am able relate to this sort of stuff, especially with the joys and frustrations that go along with the process of writing a novel, the interruptions from writing because of life's events and the difficult, sometimes sluggish return to work after the interruptions were resolved. A writer often lives with a fear that something will happen to cause the book to be left unfinished or somehow destroyed. The entries are overflowing with the knowledge that not everyone is going to like the book at the same time that he knows there will be people who will love it...it's an emotional see-saw, at one moment he says "Oh the Hell with it", and the next, he's agonizing with self doubt.

"You know just as well as I do that this book is going to catch the same kind of hell that all the others did and for the same reasons. It will not be what anyone expects and so the expecters will not like it. And until it gets to people who don't expect anything and are just willing to go along with the story, no one is likely to like this book." (quoted from page 26, March 8, Thursday.) I couldn't have said that better myself!

Writing a book is a process that is all consuming, the line between dreams and realities becomes so fuzzy while in the thick of it, a writer can be easily lost, caught up in the tides of emotions, everything is on at full blast and wide open, it takes a special person to accomplish the writing of a book, seeing it through to the end and remaining consistent and faithful to the inspiration, at the same time letting it go its own way...and it takes a special spouse to put up with the writer while they go through the process. (Kudos to Elaine!)

It is all very strange...this is a book for the writer to read, to gain reassurance that you're not nuts, and all of this is part of the package of being a writer.

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I finished another book from my TBR pile!

The Sea, The Sea by Iris Murdoch
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is my first time reading Iris Murdoch, and I thoroughly enjoyed her! Her prose is lush, the characters are intense and flawed personalities who are far from perfect, but are perfect for who they are, and her humor is delightfully dark (velvety blue, nigh black)...hey, she writes my kind of book! It had the flow of a well-tuned engine that toured along at a steady clip that kept the pages turning. I dog-eared several places with awesome chunks of writing that I will want to revisit later. The Sea, The Sea is such an odd book, fascinating and unsettling, very squirmy at times as Charles goes through the transition of being retired from the busy life in the theater to living alone by the sea...(yeah, what was he thinking, right?) The man was his own worst enemy once he had too much time on his hands... I had to shake my head and say, "Why did you do that?" oy, vey, never a dull moment in that lonely house by the sea, such nonsense going on! It was pitiful to see a presumably intelligent man become so discombobulated, I had to laugh... it was hard to feel sorry for him because of his foolishness and he was a first class asshole, but whatever, sometimes they make the best stories. So I sat back every night and enjoyed the read to see what was going to happen next and how this guy will grow. Well, he did grow, eventually, in a way that he was comfortable with, goodness knows, it’s tough living within one’s skin with a brain full of baggage...thankfully, the book winds up with a life goes on attitude, just as it should.

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The Elegance of the Hedgehog...it was the title that snagged me first...

Me and Fibromyalgia.. the good news is, it's not going to kill me.

I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2007 after years of being told my illness was all in my head. My Fibro is everyday fatigue with body aches, mostly tolerable, but when I have a flare-up, which can be triggered by stress, hormones, or being over tired from over-doing it, I get the full body pain, including chest pains (yes, these are scary, like an elephant standing on my chest.) Thankfully, it doesn't hurt to take a breath, but I feel breathless, I just do yoga and breathing exercises to stretch and breathe to ease through the worst of it, NSAIDs help to cut the pain, and naps are always a necessary thing when needed (but hard to do while at the day job!) It's a balancing act to manage, I take advantage of the good days, lay low on the bad ones, and very often, push through in spite of the bad days...some mornings I wish I could stay in bed, but I'm glad that I get up and about, very often 'the kinks' work themselves out. I refuse to take the recommended pharmaceutical band-aids on the market, I tried one once, and I don't like feeling like a zombie. I keep active with my creativity, I think that's the key to my overcoming this obstacle every day...and I have my Fred and our son, five cats, and one dog named Max.

Chantepleure by Linda Robinson

Chantepleure by Linda Robinson

My rating: 5 of 5 stars For every writer, writing is their joy, and becoming published is the ultimate reward. There are books that are bright and entertaining, there are books that are steady and engrossing, and there are books that are quiet and thoughtful, "Chantepleuré" by Linda Robinson is all of those things. There’s priceless storytelling between the covers of this book that is magical. After each visit that I made to these pages, I would think about it all the next day, chewing on thoughts with delight. As a reader, that’s what I love most about a good book, if it haunts me, I only want more. As a writer, I would nod and cheer, “Amen, sister — you hit that nail square on the head. I couldn’t have said it better myself.” And then I’d go back to re-read that spot and smile, just so delighted with the experience of reading. This book I needed to read as a reader and a writer, the timing of its arrival all too perfect. I believe it’s part of the duty of a writer to communicate — it’s a writer’s hope that someone will read their book and have it help them in some way, to get them thinking outside of the box — outside of the book. It helps you believe that everything is possible, even during your darkest moments. "Chantepleuré" is alive with a community of characters that are tangible, fully realized with intricate connections in which their lives overlap with the past, and continue forward toward the unknown future — life goes on. The theme of “transition” is a universal and contemporary issue faced by women throughout life and on to death. The resilience of women is celebrated here, even when they’re not handling their transition from “warrior” to “elder” gracefully, but they eventually face the phases of their lives bravely and with quiet elegance. Linda Robinson has so much to be proud of, her talent is a gift to be given, and this book will stand the test of time, and will never grow old. What a delight, thank you, Linda for sharing this novel with the world, I’m so happy that it’s out there, available to any reader who needs it. View all my reviews >>

My Review of "A Bloodsmoor Romance" by Joyce Carol Oates

A Bloodsmoor Romance by Joyce Carol Oates
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Wow...well, my goodness, this one is downright odd, at times bizarre, yet delightful with language that is unique and contemplative, beautiful at the same time as grotesque, and loaded with interesting humor... it's a typical JCO novel. A Bloodsmoor Romance follows Bellefleur in the "American Gothic" Quartet, which also includes Mysteries of Winterthurn and My Heart Laid Bare. Like any book by JCO, if you read it and take it too seriously you will get into trouble with this book right away...even I had to adjust to it, at first I didn't like it as well as other JCO books, but it grew on me as it chugged along with the power of a long, long, long freight train hauling boxcars loaded with trunk loads of human baggage and fuel for the fire of the human spirit, and it became a dear friend (who I will miss). I learned about the book through reading The Journal of Joyce Carol Oates 1973-1982 and loved learning about her writing process, and how much she loved writing this book (which I totally relate to) and found a battered used copy somewhere in my travels, and decided to give it a whirl. Much like Bellefleur, it possesses a life of its own and at its heart beats the drum of the American Dream as it rises and falls in the rhythm of life as it is lived by the individuals in this multi-layered tale. There is a stunning realism that is blended with the wild fantasy of a “gothic romance”...a rogue peddler's son becoming a distinguished gentleman/inventor; runaway daughters finding their way in the world by breaking free of the constraints of familial expectations and traditions of the time. I could keep writing more...but I don't want to give it all away! Give it a chance, and come to it with an open mind.

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Books of intrest...

What I'm Reading

The Journal of Joyce Carol Oates: 1973-1982 by Joyce Carol Oates

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
I have held off reading this book for years...fearing the influence that it might have on me as I worked on becoming a writer...well, I shouldn't have worried so much about that, I keep crying out "Look at what you've been missing, silly thing!" I love this book, there is just so much there...it's good to see how alike and unalike I am from JCO...it's been an affirmation that I'm not too off the mark with what I think and what I'm trying to do with my writing...I've learned a lot about JCO and myself as a writer since I started reading it...(love it!)

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Joyce Carol Oates, Bellefleur

BELLEFLEUR by Joyce Carol Oates is ranked as one of my most favorite novels of all time...I love this book! I savored this gothic tale cover to cover and didn't want it to end. It possesses a life of its own, the characters became ghosts that would haunt me after setting it aside after a short reading and I would look forward to picking it up again. After I finished it, I felt homesick in a peculiar way that no book has ever done to me before; it is very likely that I will revisit the pages of Bellefleur again. Each chapter is an opulent sliver of time that peers into the lives and thoughts of the residents of Bellefleur Manor, an American family of notorious distinction. Their history is rife with joys and sorrows deftly exposed by the astounding craft that is signature in JCO's prolific literary career. The mesmerizing shifts of time, like historical memories, travel from the heights of the imposing Mount Blanc, wind through the decadent rooms of Bellefleur Manor, and plunge into the depths of mysterious Lake Noir where disconcerting spirits dwell. The fanciful characters endear themselves because of their human vitality and cause despair because of their human flaws; they are very tangible and seductive in spite of the brief glimpses into their lives. This is not a book for the faint of heart for it isn't a serene walk in the walled garden of Bellefleur Manor. JCO reveals the grotesque that exists within the soul of the American dream, and with abrupt grace, she divulges the unforeseen twists of fate that arise with incredible violence that will leave you reeling with astonishment. It is a unique and contemplative tale, not to be consumed in a few sittings; however, the temptation of the eloquent prose begs to be gorged until the reader is sated. Open this book and open your mind, and give your imagination a workout. If you read this book with a rigid, black and white mind-set you will come away frustrated by it. I highly recommend this novel to anyone who is looking for something out of the ordinary to read.

My review of an excellent book...

Faces in the Water by Janet Frame

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
From the very first page I was in awe of Janet Frame's writing style...I kept saying: "Wow, this is fantastic!"...who would' a thought that a book about a woman's painful experience spent in an insane asylum would be so beautiful? I savored every page, and found it hard to put down. So what did I do as soon as I finished it...I re-read chapter 1! Yup, I'll definitely read it again!

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Protect the wild horses out west...

THE WILD FREE-ROAMING HORSES AND BURROS ACT OF 1971 (PUBLIC LAW 92-195) §1331. Congressional findings and declaration of policy Congress finds and declares that wild free-roaming horses and burros are living symbols of the historic and pioneer spirit of the West; that they contribute to the diversity of life forms within the Nation and enrich the lives of the American people; and that these horses and burros are fast disappearing from the American scene. It is the policy of Congress that wild free-roaming horses and burros shall be protected from capture, branding, harassment, or death; and to accomplish this they are to be considered in the area where presently found, as an integral part of the natural system of the public lands.